Funereal Faux Pas - The Modern Guide To Mourning

I have reached a peculiar juncture in my life where my landfill drawer in the kitchen (you know the one - full of things that you don’t know where else to put) has more “in loving memory” pamphlets than take away menus and, believe me, that is a lot. As I write this, I’m thinking it may seem a touch disrespectful to put someone’s order of service alongside the well-thumbed home delivery bibliography but I don’t know what else to do with them.

You can’t throw them in the bin can you? That would be deserving of a severe haunting at the very least, so, in the drawer they reside.

Yesterday; another day another passing, I feel like the Judith Chalmers of crematoriums; I’ve been absolutely everywhere.

As we stood, waiting for the guest of honour to arrive, I was aware that there was a silence to fill and I have always been unable to let that opportunity go to waste so I leaned in to the mourner on my left and started some small talk. Weather chat; that’s harmless enough I thought “those clouds look ominous” (good start) “looks like the end of world is here” (now going downhill) …” which is ironic bearing in mind our current location” (the Haymaker). I’m renowned for saying things that simply should not be said but I’m not trying to be controversial or indeed clever - It just always happens. Some people have trouble with their hand-eye coordination and I have have mismatch of brain and mouth. Unsophisticated chatter is my speciality; like a child.

My dad was the same and his sledgehammer dry humour/bluntness was legendary and I dont know anyone who has not got got a tale to tell of "....and then Jim said". It transpires this is an hereditary trait. My paternal uncle, in the funeral car on route to my dad’s cremation, stated “looks like we have arrived then” as we stopped at some lights next a large signpost for the local Recycling Centre.

It’s genetic. We can’t help it.

Gallows humour at a funeral is, at the time of writting, still not deemed universally acceptable. Times, though, are changing and, what was once de rigueur when attending someone’s last drive through, has lightened somewhat but what exactly is the expected etiquette at your modern entombment?

1. FAIL TO PLAN

Cremations are now the most popular method of waiving off your dearly departed. Operating on a robust timetable, families about to bid farewell are going in the front door while the previous congregation are being ushered, reverently, out the back still dabbing their eyes wondering what had just occurred. You really do not want these two sets of people clashing. It would be bad form.

Each ceremony is booked for 30 minutes which gives you, roughly, a 45 second buffer* if you’re late. Tardiness and ill planning is never acceptable in my book but when someone’s last rites are at stake you simply cannot be late. Not making allowances for journey times, traffic snarl-ups etc would be like playing Russian Roulette with an already less than jubilant crowd.

*If you’re attending a catholic service, it’s ok; you have an extended 2 hour buffer in which you can slide in to the back pews undetected.

2. LOCATION, LOCATION

Funerals, unless designated as private affairs, can be attended by anyone. This is a peculiar practise if you ask me but if you are just going to freestyle it and pop along to pay your respects, best do some basic fact checking first. My mum, on hearing someone she once worked with had passed away, went to the funeral to pay her respects – she saw the “deceased lady” 3 hours later at the cheese counter in the supermarket, looking, all things considered, quite well. It transpired that that the deceased lady merely shared the same name.

If a little tardy (see point 1) you might find yourself sidling in through the side door and smugly sliding along the polished back bench like a Cowboy’s glass of firewater across the bar but you lose your advantage being in the cheap seats. You can’t reliably identify anyone from that aspect; lots of rear view action, lots of bowed backs of heads and black clothing, and your view of the A4 portrait photo on the coffin may be obscured… so caution should be applied; I have a friend who, after sneaking into the service, saw the deceased’s brother entering stage right as she was availing herself of the facilities on her way out.

She had not fact checked.

She was 45 minutes early.

To her credit she styled it out and joined in with her second vigil of the day.

3. SOMBRE STYLING

Whilst doing a little research for this piece I was amazed how many articles and blogs there are just centred around funeral appropriate attire. Let’s break it down together:

Tip 1 – Traditionally, funerals are a formal, sombre affair and you can safely assume that if the family would prefer guests to wear ripped jeans and soiled trainers, they would say so. Additionally, arriving in revealing, albeit dark hued, attire avec dramatic hat is akin to attempting to outdo the bride at a wedding. Not that wearing gossamer thin outfits will make you competition for the deceased, but it reeks of “I know you’re all sad but …. look at me”.

Tip 2 - Resist the female urge. Don’t tell members the grieving family they look well/nice – it’s weird. They are sad. They’ve been crying for days. You telling them that you love their shoes is unlikely to perk them up and may seem disingenuous.

Tip 3 – Crematoriums and churches love a bit of lawn. Wearing your Milano Blahniks is going to end badly for you.

4. TURN OFF

Put the phone on silent and leave it thus until you get back in the car. I saw that, on social media, an acquaintance of mine had “checked in” at a crematorium the other day ..... I say “acquaintance” as I have now emotionally distanced myself for her.

Who does that?

Taking selfies or/and pictures of the coffin are, rightly, also hugely frowned upon and, until I started to write this article, I didn’t know they were a thing.

They are.

Ask Google.

5. CONDOLENCES

Send a card, that is standard procedure. In my humble opinion, don’t send flowers unless requested to do so. After my dad passed away, we had trouble locating my ;ittle mum amongst the blooms of condolences that then filled their home.

It made her sad to look at the flowers; a constant reminder of the circumstance she had found herself in and then, as the flowers slowly died over the proceeding days, she had to dispose of their lifeless remains. Horribly poignant.

My heart goes out to anyone who has had to host a virtual ceremony, taking an already sombre occasion into the macabre. Hopefully now, in our post covid world, you can, in a weird way, feel privileged to be present at a “live ceremony”…really, no pun intended.

Funerals are strange affairs. Everyone feels the same awkwardness.

No one wants to go to one. To be invited though, is an honour.

Tomorrow is promised to no-one and I would like to think that there will be people around to hold the hand of those that loved me. Ps you can wear jeans.

Written by Kim Hawley

Writer Blogger and Professional Funeral Goer www.midlifecrisis999.com