Gene Jeany

God Bless her.

This morning my youngling discovered that genes are not a trouser.

On entering her bedroom this morning I discovered my littlest one with her school skirt wedged ¾ up her legs, seemingly unable to advance it any further. As an expert in the field, I was thoroughly confident; “squeeze your butt cheeks in, grab the hem of your skirt and pull upwards”

I turned on my heel and left, secure in the knowledge that my work there was done.

We are under attack.

....from a 24/7 deluge of perfect faces and a tsunami of beautiful bodies, the like we have never seen before.*

*fundamentally because they don't exist

When I was a teenager my only main point of reference when it came to looks was Smash Hits and I could rock the Bananarama vibe like a boss:

Perfect body? No such thing. Madonna was the only one with any discernible body parts on show so, apart from that particular aesthetic, you could be any size you damn well wanted in a pair of combats and an oversized T. To be honest you could have an extra limb growing under all that fabric and nobody would be any the wiser.

Perfect hair? All looks could be achieved with a 99p 1 kilo tub of hair gel, a 4 litre can of Harmony hairspray and a fine toothed tail comb ... VOILA!

Sexy? Stepping side to side was considered the acceptable mating dance as long as you could do it on the beat and, in that regard, I was on point.

Ahh fond memories.

Things were simpler then.

Nowadays, however, to be considered on trend, the look to achieve requires a shit load of .... well, everything to be honest: fake lashes, fake nails, fake hair, fake tan and fake teeth.

That, though, is not enough people - makeup needs to be a colour by numbers type of affair with no visible signs of life therein, lips need injected with god only knows what, to perfect the desired look (I think the look is called "anaphylaxis"). You then need designer brands that you can only afford because you still live at home, oh, and an arse like a basketball located half way up your back. If you can't be bothered to go to the gym then you can have your cheeks filled with cement with only a moderate risk of death involved.

Good/ disturbing news - Today I learned that the "under eye bag" and "clumpy lash" were coming back in, although they have never been out as far as I am concerned ... if you have been on the piss all night and couldn't be arsed to scrape your make -up off before collapsing fully clothed onto the bed/park bench.

Alas, the images we see are all extensions and enhancements, fillers and fakery.. It’s not "a look" so much as an optical illusion. We have tried to instil into our daughters the simple concept of being happy in their own skin or you will never truly be content.

You are who you are.

My Moto: eat well, move around, brush your teeth and be kind. Genius.

* The word fat. I tried to ban the other F word, but Rock broke the rules 9 times prior to breakfast so it was futile. **

** You may use the f word if appropriate. PC it may not be but if you are weighing in at 30 stone and need a winch to get out of bed the word “bigger” no longer applies. Soz.