The Silence Of The Lambs … Part 2

...The Revenge

They say "believe half of what you see & none of what you hear".

They say "fail to plan, plan to fail".

I planned.

I saw.

I heard.

I should have checked though. I didn't check...

This story began a few weeks back when Rock and I snuggled up on the sofa for a little bit of "adult time"; adult time is where Rock scours the 4789 tv channels only to declare “there’s fuck all on” and throws me the remote.

I scrolled. I chose. We watched.

1 hour later Rock was a committed vegan and I was right behind him which, fast forward 5 days, is not somewhere I advise anyone stand.

I will get to that- bear with me.

I figured that unless rapid action was taken we would not get through breakfast as vegans; seemingly the only suitable food we had were a couple of apples which, in all honesty, had seen better days.

Veganism was to be delivered in 12 hours. Righteousness would have to wait.

Don’t get me wrong, we are inherently selfish people: the tv program in question was not about the plight of our furry and feathery friends but about human being's slow demise as a result of our merrily chowing down on too many of our meaty cousins.

Everything from heart disease to cancer was traced back to our diet. The list was bloody endless. Rock swore he had gout by the time the credits rolled.

Our ethical timeline went like this:

15 hours

Took delivery of our virtuous bounty and then successfully signed up child 3 to our cult as we insisted she too must watch the indoctrination video (child 1 and 2 had little choice in the matter as they live in our house and unless they want to voluntarily starve to death would have to eat what they’re given- I’m very Charles Dickens like that).

24 hours

As it happens you have to have the constitution of a rhinoceros to be able to digest the levels of fiber consumed by your average vegan. Your plant based diet is just that; fundamentally a base intake of veg, grains, nuts ,seeds and beans with a generous side order of legumes. Oh, and tofu. Lots of tofu.

48 hours

Admittedly I have a particularly responsive digestive system but I realised too late why your committed vegan is usually so thin*; they’re clearly bloody starving having made the sensible and sociable choice of eating feck all else suffer the after effects of such a fibrous intake.

* have met 3 vegans who could be classed as big boned but I now put it down to chronic bean bloating.

72 hours

Testing times. I thought I would lay out the results of all my foraging for the family to sample the delights of what was to come; a smorgasbord of delights. A voyage of discovery. Conclusion. Apart from actual fruit and vegetables, Vegan food tastes shit.

Exhibit A - Plant based substitutes all have the consistency and indeed taste of … actually it’s indescribable and inedible; it left us hungry and mentally unsettled. I mean, what even is it made of?

Exhibit B - It costs a fortune to be smug and virtuous. Paying twice as much for vegan “ham” as you would the fleshy version when it has no actual pig in it is possibly illegal. I feel I am in the midst of a scam.

Exhibit C - Everything needs to be cooked from scratch. I don’t like cooking, I'm not good at cooking but, alas, I am the only Domestic Engineer on the premises.

My enthusiasm was waning and my case for my defense was mounting.

It was after spending 90 minutes making bean burgers and 4 days attempting to digest said burgers that I thought I should do a little more research into our new lifestyle. It couldn’t be right.

96 hours

It didn’t take long. I’m a very determined person when my back is against the wall. Turns out we are not all going to hell in a handcart just for eating a mini sausage roll.

It turns out the program we had watched was positively awash with mischievous falsehoods and elaborate tall tale telling. Apparently the genial Louis Therouxesque presenter wasn’t simply an amiable chap presenting some interesting health facts to the general public. He was in fact a militant, flag waving, incense burning, card carrying vegan already.

He just forgot to mention it; he simply divided the facts and figures into little sections and, for fun, jumbled them around a bit, took a few out and added a few in.

All the facts but not necessarily in the right order... or indeed context.

We had been suckered.

…. It could be argued, in fact, that some plants can literally poison you to death. Additionally, that there is a reason that a cow has 4 stomachs and it's vegan farts are so toxic they are destroying the planet. I now know for a concrete fact that attempting to digest too many plants at once has a detrimental effect on your internal organs and rather than feeling tip top you feel like shit which is a rather ironic turn of phrase.