I Am One HOT Mother

Rock (husband has insisted that I refer to him, publicly, in this way) has taken to sleeping in the spare room.

Not as a result of marital disharmony (Rock sleeps on the sofa under those circumstances- more gravitas) but because, he states, sharing a bed with me “is like sleeping next to a really rubbish active volcano”. I’m either wide awake because the things that I’ve forgot all day have suddenly all come back to me in a tidal wave or I’ve got the sweats… or both or, as a result of the sweats, I’ve decamped to the top of the duvet and, thus, freezing and attempting to a retreat back under the duvet without fully waking.

Basically, there is a lot of thrashing around happening and not in the way Rock would like. I get so hot he can’t even contemplate an approach anyway, not without safety equipment.

Yes people … I’m going through THE CHANGE! Now, of all the things that I’m embracing during my mid life review, this is not one of them. THE CHANGE sounds like you’re going to transform. Metamorphosise into, perhaps a butterfly in human form or become a wise elvish temptress like off of The Lord Of The Rings. Alas, no. What happens is you transform into (in no particular order) a sweaty, podgy, tired, spotty, shadow of your former self.

Irritable? Duh! Who wouldn't be?

The list is endless: your hair falls out (seemingly onto your top lip), you dry up* which doesn’t really matter because sex is the last thing on your mind. In fact, there is nothing actually on your mind at all apart from …. hmmmm what was I saying? I forget actual words – I genuinely thought I had some version of early onset dementia and being acutely aware you have said the right words but not necessarily in the wrong order.

*You’re not always dried up though; you pee a bit when you sneeze, cough or laugh.

So, basically women are born they get a bit of time off to learn to walk and stuff and then that’s it…BOOM!

Periods

Pregnancy

Childbirth

Menopause

.... and then it's pretty much straight onto death really – you may get the last 10 years to yourself but that’s about it and you’re probably going to be preoccupied with osteoporosis or gout to care at that point.

Overdramatising am I? …. DONT TELL ME I'M OVERDRAMATISING!

....and that is why, sweating or not, lumpy or bumpy, live your life your way.

YOU HAVE EARNED IT.

God help me