Silence Of The Lambs

When our Youngling stated that she "didn't want to eat animals anymore” I promised, in earnest, that I would look into it and talk to daddy. Ordinarily, This meant that I was going to totally ignore/ forget unless the subject was brought up again. You cannot let family life be dictated to by the whimsies of a child - as much as I love children you can't take nutrition advise of a human being that eat their own bogies. Yes they are green. Yes they are Organic. But No.... well, not in public.

I am not a big meat eater anyway and I have never been entirely comfortable with animals being bred and then slaughtered in order that I have a full range of edibles. Like most people though I have successfully pushed it all to the part of my brain where I keep other uncomfortable thoughts such as childbirth and am I too old for jeans?

The trouble is, to be honest, we just aren’t vegetarians. In my mind vegetarians wear kaftans and Birkenstocks and they have a heady smell of incense about them.

Vegetarians believe crystals actually work.

I’ve never been known for acts based on rash impulse. I’m a very cautious person.

As, the main feeder, I have to take responsibility for the health of other human beings, I needed to ensure that vegetarianism was a viable option for us, so I did a deep dive for a little clarity. It did not go as I had anticipated.

Depending on the origin of the article your average vegetarian is either a plaid, windy individual who hasn’t the strength to chop a radish or a rosy cheeked, health guru. It's either all a big hustle or your non meat eater is indeed a paragon of virtue.

The internet is an amazing source of information but, depending on how you phrase your enquiry, the results of said enquiry can swing wildly: you're either about to go die from any number of meat eating related diseases or it's all a con and without supplementation you will die from kwashiorkor or nerve damage.

Inserting the word “scientific” didn't really help either and things became murkier by the minute. Granted, it doesn’t help that my child like mind is very easily led, regularly falling in with the wrong crowd – the “surprising vegan celebs” was an hour never to be recovered. As an observational warning, if you get beyond the 3rd page of the internet you are positively flirting with the dark web so you won't get any answers after that.

One thing I discovered was that there are, apparently, according to “Vegetarian Nation” 7 different types of vegetarianism to choose from. But, surely, once you are eating animals of any type you would have to relinquish your I'm Meat Free & Proud status? Vegetarian Nation state there is:

Veganism – no meat, fish, poultry (that goes without saying you would think) also no eggs, dairy, gelatine or honey, but, that’s not all, no beeswax, leather, silk or wool can be used…geez, shoot me now! (No pun intended).

Ovo Vegetarianism – nothing fleshy and no dairy but allow themselves an egg every now and then.

Lacto Vegetarian - again nothing meaty and no eggs but eat dairy.

Lacto-Ovo Vegetarianism – just no meat or fish on their menu...cheesey omelette? BRING IT ON.

Pescatarianism – meat free but eat everything else including fish.

Pollotarianism – yes folks, guessed it, these ‘vegetarians’ eat fish and chicken, eggs etc whilst, presumably, wearing a full length leather catsuit. Won't eat a pork chop though.

Flexitarianism – eat what the jolly heck they like, when they like. These people have no right to have any ‘ism’ attached to them due to their total lack of commitment. They are just a fussy pain in arse.

So, I’m having to rule out becoming a vegan straight off the bat. They evidently live on a diet of fruit, nuts, vegetables and beans which, is, quite literally, a recipe for disaster if you have IBS… which I do.

The next on the list would undoubtedly be worse as the diet is the same but with the addition of eggs.

The impact of the bean based menu plus eggs has got to be, in my humble opinion, prohibitive.

Pescatarian? Unless you’re actually catching the fish yourself (which has been banned at my local pond, leading me to believe it has been an actual issue in the past) this is unviable for 2 reasons: Fish is expensive and, more importantly, have you watched Seaspiracy? Turns out, Dolphin Friendly Tuna is just an urban myth.

The health aspects of the veggie regimen alone, are a minefield. At first glance you would think the vegetarian meal has to be the one of choice but, for this to be the case, you have to be fanatically strict or use dietary supplements to boost you along the highway of health and I've simply not got that level of commitment to anything. Rock can't believe we are still married such is my whimsical attitude to life.

I found lots of references around the topic of weight; that being a veggie keeps the old waistline nice n trim but, and I have no science on my side here, just a lifetime of personal observations, I know a lot of cuddly vegetarians and even a couple of robust vegans. What they are eating I will never know…perhaps it’s just bean bloatage. So, I concluded, that unless you do have the required, extreme leanings, the lure of meaty snacks to stave off imminent death by starvation might be too much to resist.

“We are not meant to eat meat‘ espouse the veggie lobby “that’s why we don’t have claws and fangs”. This is true but we also don’t have the required 7 stomachs of a cow. We are, biologically speaking, supposed to be omnivorous creatures. Beings of moderation with neither all meat or all veg being of adequate sustenance. My resolve, then at a rather low ebb, took another, somewhat final blow. Whilst stumbling blind around the internet I came across “The Vegan Confusion” a, now, world famous article written by renowned Argentinian naturalist Claudio Bertonatti. An ex vegetarian himself, Bertonatti points out that the mass cultivation of agricultural crops has, itself, a devastating effect on wildlife. Birds, frogs, mammals, reptiles and fish all lose their habitat and disappear because of the impact of deforestation not to mention the millions of insects that are killed in the process.

That smell we get when we cut grass or flowers? Those plants are not exuding these perfumes to bring joy to our olfactory senses, that smell is to try and ward off whatever It is that is damaging it! Who knew?? Do plants feel pain? No, that’s plain stupid but, they are alive and kicking all that same.

My conclusion? Like Simba and Mufasa put into song, it’s all about the circle of life. The organic, happy, free range type of circle with a hearty side salad and multi grain, stoneground bread. Flexitariansim it is then…just got to explain it to Youngling.

#theveganconfusion

#meatfreedilemma